When Life Gets Chronically Harder

A Question For Everyone

Dear Death,

My life is a mess.  I've become disabled due to physical illness, chronic pain and depression.  My brain doesn't work like it used to and I'm finding it almost impossible to "pull myself up by my bootstraps" to make what changes I can:  exercise, good nutrition, consistent schedule, etc.   I think of the Serenity Prayer, and fall short when it comes to "the Courage to change the things I can."

I'm a faithful follower of "WeCroak" and it has been particularly useful when I find myself wasting my life on things that don't matter.  "Do I really need to organize that closet perfectly?"  It's a great app for helping me quit wasting time.  Being stuck like this also feels like I'm wasting life.  What do you suggest I do to take the actions I can to make my remaining time better.  

Respectfully,

Slowly Sinking

Dear Slowly Sinking,

What’s the point, right? That’s your question.  You say you will never be as physically strong or able as you were yesterday. You have to accept new physical and mental limitations. You know you could do more things people say are good for you but you lack motivation. And you are in conflict because you also see giving up to unhappiness and depression as a waste of the life you have left. 

Diet and exercise are not your first order problems. To get the motivation to take care of yourself you need a reason for your well-being to matter to you. You need purpose. You also need connection.

It’s ironic how often people experience disability, sickness and aging as isolating. People imagine they are in some pitiable and small minority. So let me spell it out for you and everyone who thinks this advice isn’t about them too. You are not alone. I drag every last person down the road of aging, sickness and loss of ability until it is fatal. Your experience of limitation is universal. Everyone, if they live long enough, experiences declines in mental and physical capacities. If you experience more than some of your peers today, you have more time to figure out how to thrive with what life is-- a place where aging, sickness and death are on everyone’s road.

You say you wish you could pull yourself up by your bootstraps. I say forget right now about going it alone. Look for help in those who have come before. If there are any older people you have in your life you admire, you can have a heart-to-heart with them. Ask them what perspective helped them to thrive through the limitations that inevitably come. You can also look to the biographies of people you admire who thrived in the face of severe limitations. Read about the lives of people like Frida Kahlo, Stephen Hawking or President Franklin D. Roosevelt. Each answered the question of how to lead lives of great meaning in very different ways. Frida Kahlo was in pain everyday but said she was happy to live as long as she could paint. President Roosevelt could scarcely walk but he could give Americans a new deal in a tough economy. Stephen Hawking ,who opened the world’s eyes to mysteries of the cosmos,  said, ““My advice to other disabled people would be, concentrate on things your disability doesn’t prevent you doing well, and don’t regret the things it interferes with. Don’t be disabled in spirit, as well as physically.”  

The first step is a spark of curiosity. How did they do it? The hope here is, even if you can’t do much, you can curl up with a book. The hope is something about such a life will inspire you. With a sense of connection to the stories that have come before, you will dare again to aspire to purpose.  A paintbrush, telescope, neighborhood association, family, friendship or cause you care about are all possible vehicles to that purposeful feeling that your time and energy matter. Accept help in the places you need help and shine where your attention can do some good. 

With purpose and connection, taking care of yourself has a reason behind it too. You’ll do it because you are an important thread in the fabric of life.

Sincerely Yours,

Death

P.S. You are getting the Ask Death Advice column Newsletter because you signed up for the WeCroak App Newsletter. We couldn’t think of a fun thing to email you for a while but now we have. We are answering your questions from the prospective of death. I hope you enjoy.

Do you have questions you’d like Death’s perspective on? Send them to askdeath@wecroak.com

About This Advice Column

Ask Death is loosely inspired by an ancient Stoic spiritual exercise called The View From Above. It’s about looking at your problems from a larger perspective. When done well, this perspective leads to transformation of our views on the world, deeper meaning and equanimity where before there was confusion and stress. We know The View From Above works so we’d like to share it with you in this advice column. Also, getting advice from death is hilarious and fun. This is content you don’t want to miss before you die. Its a new column, so if you like it, tell your friends or even sign up for the extra content.

If you must know, the person writing for Death is WeCroak App Co-Founder Hansa Bergwall. He is doing his best to set aside all personal opinions and views to answer questions from the perspective of death. So Death may say lots of things where Hansa would have a different perspective. But hey, Death is probably right.