Dear Death,
Is friendship possible when you are attracted to someone? For the last 5 years I’ve wanted a partner. I meet men I’m attracted to. We hang out and there is chemistry but then they just want to be friends. This has happened to me like twelve times in the last five years. I try to be friends but there are sexual tensions and the friendships feel fraught. Meanwhile, I’m still alone. Is real friendship even possible when you are attracted to someone? Is gay friendship possible? Or can friendship only exist when attraction is not in play at all?
- Lonely Friend
Let’s talk first about why you are in pain, Lonely Friend. You are having trouble letting go. You meet men you are attracted to and they friend zone you. That’s their choice. At this point you must either let go of that acquaintance or of the desire for romance with that person. Those are your two options that lessen suffering.
But you have chosen the third option of saying you will be their friend without letting go of wishing they would date you. You have done this twelve times in the last five years. You spent your precious time surrounding yourself with men who remind you of rejection and the romance you cannot find. This choice is not wise.
It wasn’t the fault of those “friends.” It was you. You wanted something they would not give you. You wouldn’t let the hope of a romance go. You also did not say, “I think I’m looking for new romance right now more than new friends. Thanks for the kind offer and good luck.” Letting them go entirely was a perfectly fine and honest option. Did it ever occur to you that you wasted their time and yours by entering into friendship on false pretenses?
It is likely that you had the best intentions at heart. Perhaps you thought letting go is easier than it is and didn’t do the work. Or perhaps you thought they would reconsider the dating question later as an excuse to hold on. Either way, letting go is work. It takes practice. All of us lose everything we ever have or want in the end so you will either have a short life or plenty of chances to practice letting go. Take if from Death, I will make you let go of everything given enough time. You will want to be ready for me.
There are many ways of easing the work of letting go. When it comes to your attention that you must let something or someone go, you can repeat an affirmation. Repeat “I let go of wanting to date so and so.” Say it and feel it until you have done it. You can sit in meditation and visualize letting go. You can discuss letting go with a therapist or trusted confidant. Letting go is a skill and if you practice it consciously and actively when the situation calls for it, you will get better.
Once you get better at the skill of letting go, many things become possible that elude you now. Friendships will be easier if you can appreciate what they offer and let go of the rest. You can be friends where there is sexual attraction and where there is none. Friendship is possible across vast chasms of difference, upbringing, religion, age and life experience when you can appreciate what is offered and let go of the rest.
The skill of letting go is even more important for romantic relationships. Long term partnership is nothing but spending a ridiculous amount of time with the same person. To do that, you have to let go of trying to control who your romantic partner is. You have to let them grow and change. You have to let them be them rather than some ideal notion of a romantic partner you imagine. If you can’t let go enough to let someone be themselves, romantic love becomes impossible.
The first step is being honest. You have to admit to yourself and maybe another human being what you are holding onto. Then, be honest about how much letting go you are capable of today. Maybe that means letting go of relationships where you said you could be friends but you aren’t there yet. Maybe you can let go of what they haven’t offered you. Either way, start practicing now. All your relationships depend on this skill.
Sincerely Yours,
Death