The Compliment Cleanse

Social Anxiety Doesn't Need to Be So Big

Dear Death,

I’m in my late 20s and I’m just so anxious all the time. At work, I’ll say one awkward thing and then I can’t sleep that night because I’m worrying about what my colleagues are thinking about me. I barely go out on weekends anymore because I just get stuck in my head and over analyze every social interaction. I’m on dating apps but have stopped going on first dates because when the guy doesn’t want a second date, I get depressed for a week, even if I didn’t like him either. Worrying about other people’s opinions of me is ruining my life. Help!

Sweaty Palms

Dear Sweaty Palms,

Very few people like me. A majority of people spend most of their lives avoiding even thinking about me even though they know we have a date. If they could, many would push that date off forever. But I have an important job to do being me and I can’t change who I am to suit the whims of others. Imagine what a hell my existence would be if I, Death, worried about being liked.

You also have an important job, Sweaty Palms. You want to find meaning, purpose, community and joy before you die. You want to do all that being authentic and yourself. Sweating the opinions of others will keep all of those things from life.

Luckily people figured out a long time ago how to stop giving so many fucks about what other people think. You need to do a compliment cleanse. What follows are some old techniques to diminish social anxiety and yes I have taken the liberty of giving it a name fit for this moment. Practice your compliment cleanse long enough and the root causes of social anxiety will disappear. You can be free of this one. The practice that does it is effective and simple if you stick to it.

How to do a Compliment Cleanse

The insight of some practical philosophers from thousands of years ago is that to head off the pain from disapproval and insults is that you don’t start with them. It’s just too hard to calm down in the middle of an acute rejection.  Instead, you start practicing with the source of the pain, the common addiction people have to the approval and compliments of others. 

The practice is simple. When you receive a compliment, first notice the effect it has on you. Do you feel pleasure? Pride? Be aware of the effect the small compliments and even looks of approval have in your life. You can also make a social media post and notice the effect getting “likes” has on you. Have you ever posted something hoping it would get a lot of “likes?” That is often fishing for your fix of social approval. Notice when and how this impulse to seek approval comes up for you.

Then, practice humbly and graciously saying thank you, or making a joke and immediately letting the compliment go. Immediately let go of any like or approval you get on social media. Take a deep breath and imagine throwing the compliment behind you while you walk on. That compliment has nothing to do with you.

The tendency is to hold onto the approval of others and try to milk as much satisfaction as you can from the approval of others. Instead do the opposite. Throw it away as soon as you notice it. Don’t get mad that you got a compliment but also let it go the first second that you can. Don’t let it go to your head. Head off the pleasure before it turns into the logical next step of seeking more social approval. Because it’s the seeking of social approval that is the root cause of social anxiety.

That’s phase one of the practice.

Phase two is something you do yourself at the end of the day. Call it a daily review. Have a couple of values you’ve chosen to work on. You can choose anything you want but kindness, dedication to a cause or fairness are all popular choices. I’ll use the first as an example.

Look over your day. Did you have any opportunities to be kind and did you take them? If so, make a mark next to your value on the page. Practice holding on to the pleasure of living up to your own values for as long as you can. Practice feeling the joy in pleasing yourself based upon living up to your most cherished values. Summon as much pleasure and satisfaction in yourself as you possibly can in this moment of reflection. This is where you rewire your brain away from seeking the approval of others and hook it onto seeking your own approval from living up to your own aspirations of how you want to be.

If you missed an opportunity to be kind, resolve to do better tomorrow and let it go. Repeat with each of the values on your list.

What a Compliment Cleanse Does

This simple practice over time will rewire your brain from constantly seeking the approval of thers into seeking your own love and approval. It will stop people pleasing in its tracks.

Insults, and disapproval will no longer matter to you so much because your sense of self worth is no longer built on the approval of others. You are making a firmer foundation on your own approval and your own values.

Being addicted to the approval of others is a problem because they may not share your values. You can take a sharp left turn into bullshit that doesn’t speak to your values or passions chasing the approval of others. Lots of people have worked entire careers trying to please their parents. 

Ironically, people will like you more once the compliment cleanse takes hold and you care less what others think. You won't care as much that they like you, but you will notice it. That’s because constantly manipulating other people to like you is a bad vibe. Most people don’t actually enjoy people pleasers. The ones that do are exactly the ones you need to have excellent boundaries around but that’s a topic for another day.

Good luck!

Sincerely,

Death

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