On Death and Divorce

An Urgent Meditation on Partnership

Dear Death,

I seem to be stuck in my life. I've been in an unhappy marriage for the past eight years and even though I know time is passing and that my life is getting shorter, I continue to find it hard to make change. I get bogged down in feeling guilty and in the details of how I could possibly tell him I want to leave, and how I would get my things and my cats out of the house, etc. He is very dependent on me and has no friends and is a very depressed and unhappy, angry, bitter person, so I feel responsible for him in an unhealthy way, like I'm all he has. I know that is not my role in life but that's what I've become. On the rare occasions I go away on my own for  few days, I am so much happier, sleep better, etc. and never want to go back. But I always do, because I don't feel able or know how to tell him goodbye. 

It scares me because I know I am wasting my life and I want so much more for myself. How can I get the courage to take action? 

Stuck in Role

Dear Stuck in Role,

Imagine it is some years from now and you are on your deathbed. Then “remember” your life on two separate timelines. In the first timeline, remember what it was like to stay with your husband. Remember all of it. The unpleasant and pleasant. Remember what you sacrificed for him and he for you. Remember what it was like to come home to him day after day. And then look beside you and imagine him there next to you at your deathbed. Do you want him there at this tender and vulnerable moment of your death?

In the second timeline, “remember” your life after leaving your husband this month. What did you go on to build? How did you use your time? Did you travel? Did you have other romances? Did you spend more time with other family or friends? Were you lonely? Were you content with your own company? Then look beside you. Other people may be beside you but your current husband is not. How does that feel?

Write about each timeline in your journal. It’s your life. Do you want him there until the end if you can keep him? Only you can answer that question with confidence but it is urgent that you do. 

One of the most common and deeply felt deathbed regrets is, “I wish I had gotten divorced earlier.” You aren’t alone in staying in an unhappy relationship that neither mends nor ends. Should you continue without change, it will be your chief life regret. 

Is it any wonder? Long term partnership at its most basic level consists of absurd and extreme amounts of time with the same person. Everything is negotiable except that one thing and it’s a great deal if you are having fun. But if your time with that person has soured, few things can sour more of the precious and limited hours of your life. 

I will add that the tragedy of a sour long term partnership is how you take up so much room in each other’s lives with bitterness. It is space that could be filled with something else and that is true of both of you. You say that one of the things that has you stuck is the belief that your husband is better off with you in his life. Without substantial repair, I very much doubt that. 

The more likely scenario is that your presence in his life is also blocking new and perhaps even good things from coming in for him just like it is for you. Right now he may be depressed, bitter and without friends. But you don’t know what he will be like without you there taking up time and space. He may get up, take a shower, put on his best shirt and go out toward only the universe knows what. Change is a common response to having space open in one’s life again. You may not believe it, but I can assure you, space creates opportunity. And when you married him, it’s likely you saw some spark of potential and charm. He didn’t succeed at reaching it with you. However, some open space in his life may give him a second chance at happiness too. 

You know what it will be like to stay together without repair. You have no idea what his journey and life will be like without you and frankly, it isn’t your responsibility. Just know that there are few instances in all of creation where someone is better off spending huge amounts of time with someone who resents their presence.

Once you have done your reflection and made your urgent decision, get help with the details. Any good divorce lawyer has experience helping people out of bad relationships with an eye toward material security and safety. Find someone you trust and let them advise you. Once you have made your big decision, the details are just checklists of things to do. You may feel overwhelmed but people in your community have that checklist and experience getting it done. Avail yourself of their help.

And if your deathbed reflection leads to a desire to stay and tenderness not evident in your letter to me, you will also need help. First, you will need his enthusiastic consent in repairing your marriage. You will need to tell him that your relationship is on the line. You will have to recognize this road isn’t something you can control by yourself. It has to be something you do together and it may fail even if you both try to save it. You will have to have the courage to still leave if you do fail. It’s likely you will need a couple’s therapist to help you both through a constructive process. 

Either road requires your urgent action now. Don’t delay. The precious hours of your life are going by and you owe it to both of you to usher in a new chapter of change.

Sincerely,

Death

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