Offering Help at The End
And what you might want to offer instead
Dear Death,
How do you help someone who has likely 4 or 5 months to live? Someone in their early 60s, someone you are somewhat close to but not terribly close, someone who was not treated well as a child, (whose parents never should have been parents) someone who against all odds lived a good life, especially for the last five years when substances did not dominate her life.
Sincerely,
Wanting to Help
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Dear Wanting to Help,
My suggestion is to take one step back.
As you can imagine, the time of someone who knows she has four or five months to live is very precious. These are the last days she will have to do the things that are meaningful to her and see the people who are most important to her.
Instead of help, offer your time with help as only one of the possible options. Another option could just be keeping her company, having conversations, playing boardgames or whatever sounds fun to both of you. Accepting help can create a feeling of social debt, a debt that the dying cannot hope to repay. Though you may expect nothing in return, some people may not wish to feel indebted at the end. For others, accepting help creates no such burdens. So give her more agency by offering more options than help.
Start by making an offer of your time at a place convenient to them. The more pleasant and social you can make the offer, the better. If she accepts, you have an opening to talk about what you would like to offer.
Tell her you’d like to share some more time with her before it’s over. Tell her you’d be happy to help her if she would like that. Tell her you’d be happy to just hang out together. Feel free to add options with what you know about her.
Then let her answer you. Keep in mind her time is short. She may not take you up on your kind offer. Wish her well no matter what she chooses. If you only had a few months left in life you’d want to guard your time for the people and activities that were most important to you and by your own judgment you aren’t terribly close. She may also need help desperately but choose to say no to prioritize her pride. That is her right.
As you keep all that in mind, remember that you do not know how much time you have left either. It is always a good idea to stay close to what is meaningful to you and practice letting go of the rest. Give yourself the same agency that you offer her. Act as if your time were just as precious as hers because it is.
Sincerely,
Death
The Croak Section
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Hansa
Great ideas. Thanks.