I think I'm Grieving Wrong

Distractions, small talk and indulgences

Dear Death,

My nickname used to be “Wednesday” because I have that Adams family vibe and always prided myself on a relaxed relationship with death. And then my Mom died last year and the grief has been a struggle. Over the last year, I tried hard to face the grief head on with classes, support groups, spiritual quests, yoga, sound baths, journaling, somatic trauma work and more. None of it worked

The truth is, I’m now contemplating signing up for a vapid, denialist, distracted life. All I want right now is good food, extensive indulgent comforts, entertainment, small talk, and a Netflix subscription.

I’m just curious what your thoughts are about the two ends of the spectrum and what a balanced version would look like.

Thank you!

Distracted Wednesday

Dear Distracted Wednesday,

My heart goes out to you. When it comes to grief, please be easy on yourself.

One can neither skip grief with a sound bath nor resolve it quickly with a support group. One cannot transcend grief with a spiritual quest because grief is not a small thing where a greater grief-free perspective soars above. True grief will be present everywhere from the highest spiritual heights to the most physical shudders of a sobbing body.

Most people only have so many of the big grief moments in their life. The death of a parent, sibling, life partner, close friend or child can hit with a heaviness that makes one realize they didn’t know what grief was at all. It sounds like the death of your mother has been such a moment for you.

On the physical level, grief is like a sickness. It has symptoms that may include nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, chronic fatigue, insomnia, weakened immune system, headaches, migraines, back pain, and a mix of chest pain and breathlessness known as broken heart syndrome.

I suggest approaching grief on this physical level of self-care first. The physical symptoms of grief are serious and broken heart syndrome in particular can be life-threatening. If these symptoms become severe, it is important to seek medical attention. The moderate symptoms can be mitigated with frequent exercise, regular meals, and a sturdy sleep routine. Whatever it takes to get a grieving person moving, eating and sleeping again is a good thing.

Your attraction to life’s indulgences is a sign you still need some self care on this physical level. If gourmet food experiences and indulgent comforts help you have an appetite for life again, please indulge. I recommend embracing any angle you can find back to zest for the simple enjoyments of life. Even wanting those things is a big deal.

The balance of indulging in life’s pleasures while grieving is to protect yourself and that healthy foundation of moving, eating and sleeping. Be wary of alcohol and drugs. Grief creates a higher risk of addiction. Substances also destabilize the healthy habits the grieving need more than most. I encourage you to indulge in the gourmet food, spa days and travel that sound fun to you but not the wine, pills that you don’t have a prescription for or casinos.

On the emotional level, focus on steps toward human connection. Isolation is the biggest risk on this level. Support groups are great when you want to talk about your grief. But having friendships where it is okay to make small talk about the new reality TV show you are obsessed with can be just as important. Anything that moves you closer to other people and away from isolation is a win. Share meals with people you enjoy talking to, whatever the subject. If the small talk is what draws you to other people right now, go for it one hundred percent. When you feel the urge to talk with others about your grief then go back to the support groups.

On the spiritual and philosophical levels, a few core truths about the human experience reveal themselves in grief. In this world, everyone loses everyone and everything. If you live long enough, you will grieve everyone you love. If you don’t live long, they will grieve you. Grief is a core pillar of the human experience. It’s easy to grasp that death is real but integrating all the suffering that truth implies and loving the world anyway is the work of a lifetime

When it is time to rise into your spiritual and philosophical dimensions of grief again, you will know. I recommend starting gently. Perhaps it can begin with bringing flowers to your mothers grave or lighting a candle in front of her portrait and taking time to reflect on the time you shared. Perhaps you can start with a daily walking meditation through nature. There are a thousand and one ways to walk into this realm when you are ready and it sounds like you don’t lack for options. Something simple and sweet often works best at first. Begin this exploration with as much affection for yourself and the one you grieve as you can muster.

Grief is suffering. Everyone who lives long enough grieves. You are not alone. The beauty of life can still find you inside your grief. That beauty will not end your grief but you can still love being alive. Be patient and take it one step at a time.

Sincerely,

Death

The Croak Section

We have a lot of new readers. Welcome to Ask Death! This is a space where people write in their questions and I answer them from the imagined point of view of death. It’s inspired by some insight meditation exercises from Stoic philosophy but ultimately, it is a practice of putting my personal opinions aside and writing from a place where death is certain and can happen at any time to any person. I try to use that perspective to give advice. Sometimes I write a column from my own perspective and I don’t sign those ones as “death” and there isn’t a question at the beginning. Thank you for joining us.

The Ask Death Column needs more questions! Maybe you need advice about dating? Maybe you have a family conflict with your inlaws? Maybe you are having an existential crisis? Send your questions to askdeath@wecroak.com

Life is short and precious. If you’d like support creating your dreams while there is still time, that’s what I do. Visit www.tidepathcoach.com to find out more about my coaching practice.

- Hansa