Dear Death,
Everyone in my family has been a Democrat for decades until my mom recently went off the deep end with conspiracy theories planted by the far-right QAnon movement. It has gotten so bad that she screams at me for supporting a political party that she thinks exists to abuse children! The last time I saw her, she even joined a Zoom call with a bunch of randos to talk about a Facebook post that alleged there are satanist pedophiles in the Biden campaign. She flew into a rage when I suggested she stop listening to those lies, and she said I just don’t understand her anymore. These are clearly the people she feels closest too and most committed to after the death of her ex-husband, my dad. I feel like I’m losing her to a cult and don’t know what to do. How do I drag her back to reality?
IRL
You already lost your father — sorry about that – and now you’re losing your mother, but in a different way. Living close to reality and truth is among the most difficult and important challenges every human being faces, and her very identity is falling prey to fools and mean fantasies.
What you can do for your mother is limited. Her battle for a portion of truth is hers to wage, and in a minute we will get to the few small things you could try to support her. But first, we need to talk about you.
The battle for your own truth is of the utmost importance. To give yourself a sense of how easily the mind lies to itself, think of me, Death. Ask yourself: When do you think you will meet me? If the answer is decades from now, that’s a fantasy. I could come anytime. Death is not for some future self. Denying me, or trying to negotiate with how or when I may come, is the most common and universal first fantasy people escape to.
If you find that you’ve escaped into a conspiracy theory of your own that you can predict or control me, we can begin to understand your mother better. She’s denying her fears and so are you. The difference is in degree, not kind. She has just had more time to run from the truth than you. The conspiracies she believes may be noxious and ridiculous, but you can have some compassion for her because you also know the impulse to run. Be brave and show her life is better when you face the truth about life and death head on.
By practicing catching yourself fudging about death, you can catch other lies earlier too. Then if you have the fortune of being alive as long as your mother, you’ll have a better chance of avoiding whatever strange new delusions are in vogue then.
Lastly, you used the word “cult” to describe your mother’s passion for QAnon. Go research cult deprogramming resources and try their advice while recognizing that there is no easy fix once some has pledged their loyalty to a cult. In general, when dealing with somebody deep in a fantasy world, simplicity and gentle curious questioning go a long way. You can try something like the following.
“Child abuse is a serious crime. If someone accused me, you, or someone in our family of such a crime, I’d hope they had more evidence than anonymous posts on the internet. How would you feel if someone made anonymous accusations on the internet of such a serious nature about us?”Is there anything they’d say that you wouldn't believe?
It’s likely she will make up excuses and justifications. That’s what minds that are lying to themselves do. Be patient and simple — and stick to the truth. Practice thinking of me and catching your own delusions early.
Sincerely Yours,
Death
Dear Death,
I’m having so much anxiety about the upcoming election. I’m not sleeping well. I’m enraged at my neighbors who have Trump signs in their front yard and at the news I see on TV. I’m terrified they are going to steal the election, supreme court, tank the economy and ruin this country. How can I make it through election day with some peace of mind?
Likely Voter
Your nation faces a consequential moment and you can’t sleep because you are afraid of falling into a world you fear on November 3rd. Let’s talk about fear.
Countless better and worse worlds are always possible from here but all of them end in death for you and everyone you know. If you get too caught up in worrying about everything that might go wrong, you will never have time for anything else. Your time is limited so consider other pastimes.
If you believe you have an opportunity now to help create better leadership, leap into action. Acting with a mentality of service and citizenship is a path back to peace regardless of outcomes. Calling voters on behalf of a campaign, local or national will calm the election jitters because it’s concrete, it’s action and it’s getting out of your head to speak and to listen.
You don’t have to win to feel good about yourself. You only have to do your part.
And if you lose, and your nation looks meaner and uglier from where you stand, you can still organize your community. You can still feel pride for being the kind of person you want to be.
I can tell you that for much of history, people have lived through terrible and disastrous leadership. It will be a tragedy if America falls further into such times but don’t waste too much time bemoaning what could have been. Make opportunities by standing up and working for the nation you want. And the same goes if your candidate wins the election. The work of being a citizen and caring for your community, if that is your value, is never over.
Sincerely Yours,
Death
P.S. You are getting the Ask Death Advice column Newsletter because you signed up for the WeCroak App Newsletter. We couldn’t think of a fun thing to email you for a while but now we have. We are answering your questions from the prospective of death. I hope you enjoy.
Do you have questions you’d like Death’s perspective on? Send them to askdeath@wecroak.com
About This Advice Column
Ask Death is loosely inspired by an ancient Stoic spiritual exercise called The View From Above. It’s about looking at your problems from a larger perspective. When done well, this perspective leads to transformation of our views on the world, deeper meaning and equanimity where before there was confusion and stress. We know The View From Above works so we’d like to share it with you in this advice column. Also, getting advice from death is hilarious and fun. This is content you don’t want to miss before you die. Its a new column, so if you like it, tell your friends or even sign up for the extra content.
If you must know, the person writing for Death is WeCroak App Co-Founder Hansa Bergwall. He is doing his best to set aside all personal opinions and views to answer questions from the perspective of death. So Death may say lots of things where Hansa would have a different perspective. But hey, Death is probably right.